| one or nothing. |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|02:36 pm] |
it's been almost a month since I've written. It's not that I haven't wanted to, but it's been a bit daunting finding the time to focus on anything to write about.
So what do I write about? Let's start with relationships. That's always a good one.
I can't say that I've ever been in love with anyone in the length of life I've lived. Sure, I've loved, but I've never been in love. At the tender age of 27, perhaps that should've been an asset I should have experienced and had by now. How do I know I've never been in love? I take things formulaically, as my dear friend Sheena said over drinks last week.
When I meet a girl, and she just happens to be attractive, intelligent, personable, and someone who piques my interest, what do I do? I close my eyes, I take a breath, and try as much as humanly possible to remove myself from that very situation where limerance begins; you see, I must remain objective, to my heart, as it has no idea what it's doing, but responding to the heightened levels of hormones coarsing through every vessel and vein in my body.
I resist it all.
The transformation of faults into virtues, amplifying of the virtues, ignoring the faults, the quicker rates of heartbeats when thinking about her, the constant thoughts of her, the constant thoughts of being with her, self-projection and application with her. So what am I left with? I guess a formula which, by default is a bit more complicated than 2+2=4, but less complicated than a derivative. So where do I stand? I stand in moments where I deny myself of living, denying myself of the core value that makes us human, passionate, and virtually flawed.
I describe love as a polynomial equation. I always strive for a variable that is unknown, trying to figure out that value, to eliminate the unknown, to be absolute in my actions moving forward. But again, I deny myself much of what is part of being human, making those mistakes, but moreover, taking those bold chances.
Why do I do this? Sheena insists that I've been burned too many times. I actually haven't gone through biting heartbreaks or breakups, that I've seen in films, show, of my family or friends. Yes, I am devoid of the experience and pain that accompanies it in tow.
So if I haven't been burned, am I simply jaded and apathetic and been relegated to no course of action other than the contrived process I go through every time I smell a scent of a beautiful woman? I can only say, I do this to avoid those poignant moments of which I wish never to experience.
But again this is a formula and where am I back to? Square one, or perhaps nothing at all. |
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| Comments: |
From: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ly_ph78
2007-11-23 03:32 pm (UTC)
guess it must be turning a significant age or at a turning point? | (Link)
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feelin' like such a mess...that is so true.
Thanks for the thought provoking entry!
regards, LY (an ex LJ blogger) - too lazy to blog.
p/s: ex LJ friends of captredstar and logan607 | |
