| Trying to Earn the Uncle Badge |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|01:06 am] |
You know, I talk about work a lot, just like right now. You spend enough time with something, and well, that’s what you have as conversational inventory. I suppose I should be thankful then that I don’t run a distillery or suffer from chronic diarrhea, because this would be an entirely different blog. Or, maybe not. Anyway, the point is, all I ever do these days is work and think about work and complain about work and use work as an excuse for not dating. But, when your nephew is having a rough patch and wants to hang out, well, then work goes out the window and we think of something new to talk about.
I decided that we should do something manly together. It’s bad enough that my sister was the athletic one growing up or that my nephew can outshoot me in basketball with both hands tied behind is back, but the main compliment I get from either nephew is, “You’re so good at video games, Uncle Paul.” I mean, when my first nephew was born I had decided that I was going to be the cool uncle, which of course would require concealing my true self, but I was willing to go through with it. So when it came time to think of something to do together, I suggested hiking. I could almost hear him raising an eyebrow, but whatever. He’s just never seen me in all of my hiking glory. Well, actually, I don’t think anyone ever has.
A lot of aimless driving and a spot of luck led us to Shabarum Regional Park in Whittier. At first, I wasn’t convinced that we would find any hiking of any degree, and that was mostly thanks to the dozen or so families enjoying a barbecue and pumping Tejano music from the backs of their cars, but we eventually did. We came across a sign near the start of the trail that warned of mountain lions in the area. While the lions are usually passive, the sign suggested that if we came across one we should wave our arms around wildly and make loud noises. Yeah, it’s called screaming in a panicking fit, and I’d be doing a lot of it.
Jonny was a little nervous. He certainly didn’t want to die. I didn’t either, but I also wanted to do this hike. In reading between the lines, I’m sure you can judge me to be a bad uncle for choosing pride over my nephew’s safety, but if it makes me look any better, I saw a middle-aged Asian woman hiking the trail alone, and I was certain that the lions would get her first. Moments later, we saw a freshly erected sign warning of rattlesnakes, and I just knew this was going to be a real bonding experience.
It was an incredibly hot day, and with only a whisper of a cloud in the sky, I felt like a piece of terracotta baking in the sun, only paler. What I don’t understand is that the Schabarum Trail is considered a minor trek at 2.5 miles and yet every inch of it is a steep incline. They couldn’t make it a leisurely flat stroll amongst the lions and snakes? They have to make us easy prey by exhausting us with steep hill after steep hill? Though, to give my nephew credit, he didn’t seem that winded whereas I was in sore need of an oxygen tank. Or a car.
Seeing myself sweating so profusely and breathing so noticeably hard while seeing my youthful, vibrant nephew practically skipping up the hill like a happy sprite was a blow to my ego. If I’m this out of shape now, imagine when I finally get married and have kids…I just might need one of those motorized carts to keep up. If I had the energy to match my self-hate, I would’ve started running up the hill and demonstrated the resolve of my remaining youth, but instead I pictured a floating hamburger in all its juicy wonder right before me. All I had to do was take a few more steps and it would be mine…
Eventually, we went as far we could go without leaving the park. While we stood there gulping down water and enjoying the view, we heard the distinct chatter of a rattlesnake nearby. We were curious to see where it was coming from, but an image flashed before me of my sister lifting me high above her head and tossing me down a deep ravine…and that’s exactly what would happen if I exposed Jon to a live rattlesnake. Plus, I’d probably get confused about the signs’ advice, start screaming and waving my arms, and would likely get bit in the cheek by a startled rattler.
After what seemed like a short walk back, we got into my car and started home. We talked about grabbing some food and maybe watching a movie. I suggested “Hellboy 2,” mainly because I was dying to see it. I’ll admit I was visibly giddy when my 14-year-old nephew said he wouldn’t mind watching it. It became apparent to me at that moment that I, the 33-year-old nerd, was not going to be the “cool” uncle. But, hey, I’d settle for just uncle.
Although…I should probably stop publicly blaming him for making me watch “Hellboy 2” when there are cute girls around. |
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